My downfall, agony, pain, insanity and back to my revival...

last year, i made fun of my brother and one of my schoolmate. I and a few debaters paired them up and called them gay. i went far as to writing a story(porn) about them and blogged it. since then i was notorious. it was fun, that's what i thought. i never really cared what the other party felt or went through. not until a couple of months ago. karma. it's a very funny but true concept. it somehow punished me in a very very cruel way.

one day, i was walking back home from school, the happy me, the me who loved nothing and no one but my self, that's when i met him. Coal black hair. Snow white like skin. A perfect jaw line almost too perfect. i was star struck. i would say it was love at first sight. 'it's only the face and the top...,'that's what i thought. A maroon Proton was blocking his bottom half, so i made my way pass it to get a better view at him. but what....no why the hell for? just to know that he was a she! i jaw dropped to the ground. i just turned and kept walking thinking,"that's too bad....". i just forgot the whole incident.

i don't know if it was a blessing in disguise or a mere torture. two weeks later, i had extra classes, so i had to stay back. school finished at 1.45p.m. it was a Thursday. i hated Thursday, i always got home late and had to rush to tuition after wards. i saw a good looking person. it was somehow like deja vu. i went a little closer and guess who? it was her! i couldn't believe it! i was so frustrated. she was only a few steps away and i yelled out,"AW.....COMMON NOT AGAIN MAN!!!". She actually looked at me and i froze for a Milli second. i just turned my head down and kept walking.

that was where my problem started. i accidentally fell for someone i shouldn't have fell for. i was obsessed with her. i would stalk her at school. i spent a month to find out which class she was in. it was a little easy as only the form six student wore the uniform she wore. i had a shock upon finding which class she was in. her class was located in my block and it was at the floor below mine. "the world is small" i thought. i was very confused then. i liked a guy in my tuition center and he really is a guy, but at the same time i was in love with a girl. it wasn't normal. my friend helped me saying that it was only the face. but it wasn't enough for me. i required solid facts and reasons. so i gave it a thought, alas i had the answer. she looked very similar to an old crush who was a guy.

boy was it a relieve! i felt somewhat relieved to find the 'answer'. i was cured in a way. coincidence. i hated it. that day i went to the school library to complete my add math homework. "someone" just had to come in and take a seat at the same table. it was one heck of a crazy 15 minute roller coaster like ride. i was just so very restless. the same thing happened the next day. on Wednesday i didn't go to the library. i never stepped in to that hell. i was afraid. afraid that she would be there. afraid that i wouldn't be able to get over her. afraid of being a homo. fear completely took over me. Fear.

i wasn't getting better. only worse. i turned into a bisexual. it was a painful truth for me to accept. but i did accept it. hoping that it would be easier. hoping that the pain would minimize. it did. little by little. something worse happened. i was happy. i felt some sort of joy whenever i saw her. i was not afraid. i felt normal. but i wasn't. i had a split personality. one half would be obsessed with her always thinking about her and the other half would be NOing the entire time. so i just had to live on, no? that afternoon, i was tuned into Animax . the were airing my favorite show, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. it was the season repeat, starting from episode 1. as usual the show starts with the opening theme. it was an awesome AGAIN by YUI. That song saved me.

i received some kind of enlightenment. i remembered what my dream was. having my own country. i remembered what i truly loved. money. i realized who i was. a cruel opportunist who would do anything and everything to attain my goal. that song revived me to my old self. WALAO WEI!!!

this is the song which saved me,

We try chasing down ways to further our dream, but then we trip over people on the narrow path that winds.
It's nothing like wanting to go back to those days. I'm searching for a sky that doesn't exist anymore. Don't give me that sad face like I've become the victim, like you understand.
Tears aren't the end of sin. You carry it heavy on your back forever. Who is it you're waiting for in this maze of emotion you can't find your way out of? I want to let it all spill already like I was writing in a blank notebook. What're you're trying to get away from, this thing we call reality?
We live for each other, or have you forgotten in the middle of the night? Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to. What, you don't got enough life left to wipe these feelings out? Just like old times. this is the kind of pain I love.
It'd be a shame if I didn't apologize, wouldn't it? Ah, so sorry. Going out of your way not to say it so I don't worry about you.
All we took with us that day, all we'll carry with us tomorrow. Because we're never gonna get our turn. Softly closing your eyes like you understand just so you don't have to see what you don't want to.
Out of all the rumors we don't need, which ones are new today? Friends standing face to face don't tell lies. They burn in your body like a heart red with irritation. Does it really give you hope, this thing we call reality?
We live for each other, can you hear me starting to scream? Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to. You're always thanking me for being kind. That's why I want to get stronger. I'll take on both friends and enemies if it helps me move forward.
I've been thinking on what we do to open the next door. We can't retrace our steps anymore. The story's already begun. Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
What, you don't got enough life left to wipe these feelings out? To try to make right the things you left undone. Let's go one more time.
We live for each other, can you hear me starting to scream? Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to. You're always thanking me for being kind. That's why I want to get stronger. Just like old times. This is the kind of pain I love.