My innocent tongue...

Thursdays and Fridays are officially my revered day. Simply because I get to see you. Yet again last Friday, I managed to conceive and string in another bead with you imprinted onto it in my chain of memories.

I'm simply turn into a six year old when your around. Thinking like one. Acting like one...gosh. Well as usual after CAE, I rushed out to line up in front of room no. 4, right behind the counter. JACKPOT!! You were there in your red t-shirt and beige shorts. The best part was no one was at the back of you. My legs were so fast to you, I pulled on a cool face. I smiled ear to ear. I saw my goofy classmate at the far front, so close to the door almost kissing it. I called out to him on purpose and engaged a conversation. Then, his girlfriend joined us. I cracked a joke with them for you, indirectly though. You understood. I presume. You smiled over the edge. I kept fidgeting, while doing so, spotted an old friend that happen to attend the similar secondary school as you. I offered for her to stand in line next to me.

You see, the tuition I go to, at the far left of the counter there are a few tables. There were stacks of books and a whole lot of tidbits. I was standing next to a table with loads of food. There was a small tupperware with some nuts in them. " That's the nuts you liked in the barli soup the other day!" Shien Shin called out to me. Honestly, those nuts were heavenly. I went on saying mischievously ,"oh...should I take one?". Instantly, one of my friends dared for me to take one. I was in two minds, whether to do it or not. I mean, if I got caught, I would me in so much trouble. On the other hand, you were right in front of me, I can't possibly chicken out.

After throwing much tantrum, I mustered the courage to take of the lid and throw one of the nuts into my mouth. I pushed the nut into the space between my teeth at my right jaw and gave it a crush. "WAIT!! IT'S BITTER!!", Shien shin pointed out to me. It was too late, the juice from the seed already spread onto my innocent tongue. God it killed me! It was disgusting. Worse than any medicine I've been prescribed to. My act of bravado to impress you was foiled, instead I amused you.

However, it wasn't a waste. You laughed. That alone was enough to cure me.

unrequited.

I'm starting to realize what a fool I've been. I can't blame anyone for the chimera I seem to be. It's stupid isn't it? A few days ago I felt something different, like I left something behind. I paid no heed though, convinced myself that it was my brain malfunctioning due to exam stress. It only dawned upon me when I was checking the inbox of my broken black N70. There it was, your sole message that I've kept for about a month now. You haven't crossed my mind in a while. I knew it was a momentary 'thing'. Not thinking of you or whining about you. But it wasn't.

You didn't reply, I didn't care. You passed by, I felt nothing. You spoke, I didn't waver. You weren't my kryptonite no more.

I did graduate from you, but went on with someone else......loving you was painful, I don't think I've ever fallen so hard for anyone. I promise to bury these feelings within me. Now on, you're nothing more than just a friend.

Arkitek Kota ^^

The hair follicle on my hands were erect. Probably due to the room which was pretty chilly. It was BM lesson. The second class occupying my Friday evenings. Subsequent, after my Cambridge one. Todays lesson started off with the teacher browsing through a list of idioms and catchy phrases that were ideal to be used in essays. After that, it was the main course. BM literature. Better known as KOMSAS. It was a poem. 'Arkitek Kota'. Before moving on with the rest of the lesson, the teacher took his black marker and wrote 'profession' and the numerics 1 to 5 in a vertical order on the white board. He asked for us to list them. A handful of students kept repeating the obvious answers, which were 'doctor' and 'lawyer'. Then, there was momentary silence before I suggested architect. Trying to sound smart. My voice had a cheeky tone. The teacher looked at me from the corners of his eyes causing some of the students to laugh. then, he averted his gaze back at the white board, jotted my answer and placed the marker at '4' to pen down his next thought. As he was busy searching his 'database' again I kindly offered an answer. This time in a smoky cool voice. 'Porn Star'. Almost the entire class burst in laughter. I even had half of them applause for me. I felt proud for a moment. I was happy. I saw you from the back. You were laughing. Because of me. We don't even know each other. But, I think I love you. Just looking at you helps subside the woeful pain she imposes onto me. If there's anyone who can cause me to drift away from abiding the chimera like feelings I have for her, it's without a shred of doubt, you. For that, I thank you.

i'm a fool, no?

If you looked at me,

i'd give you a nod,

If you smiled at me,

i'd give you a grin,

If you spoke with me,

i'd tell you a lie,

If you lied to me,

i'd tell you the truth,

If you cared for me,

i'd give you the cold shoulder,

If you ignored me,

i'd be giving you my concerns,

If you hated me,

i'd still be in love for you,

if.... just if you fell for me.....without a modicum of doubt,

i'd definitely abandon you

I'm burdened by overwhelming guilt and disappointed.

I'm burdened by overwhelming guilt and disappointed. Just when I thought things were easing up in my life, a chain of bad event proved me otherwise. Where should I start? Parents perhaps.They seem to be ignoring me recently. My dad does it openly, and my mom tries really hard to make it seem less obvious. I'm not really disturbed by it. But when everyone ignores you....even the coldest person at heart feels a piercing sense of pain.

Next, the first ever monthly test. God....I fell ill on the second day of the exam. What's worse, it was Add Math, Physics and Chemistry! I planned to finish it quickly and have a short nap but time had other plans. The time allocated for each paper was about an hour. It was a ngam ngam oi situation....I wasn't able to catch forty winks. Next,

KDU DATUK CQ TEO NATIONAL DEBATE TOURNAMENT. This years team consisted of myself as the whip speaker, Azim as the prime minister and KJSeng as the deputy prime minister. Despite winning 3 out of the 5 preliminary rounds we didn't get sufficient point to break into the top 16 teams. I feel responsible for the last loss. I could've twisted a single term in the topic that would've definitely secured us a win hands down. All I had to do was say THW allow the media to show nudity in the name of SCIENCE, HEALTH and EDUCATION instead of art. This proves my brain needs more exercise.

I just hope for the sun to shine a little on my side. I would really love to bask down under the yellow glow of its warm ray.....

... I love the rain ...

A dream. I really wanted this to be one. You are very beautiful today. In that white satin, you looked somewhat pure. It was elegant, the way you walked down the boulevard of pink cherry blossoms aisle with your coal black hair let loose, having curls at the bottom. Ah...your wearing that necklace I bought you, but why? It's funny how I came to buy it. It called to me, that 14 carat diamond necklace, it would look good on you. That's honestly what I had running through my mind. Seeing it on you now, it's pale in comparison to your angelic smile.

I let out a sigh, as you father handed you in. Patting the back of your palm, covered in a fine piece of white silk. You were so close to me, as I was to the man holding you now. The man who is to share his last name with you. I'm just the 'best' man. It annoyed me, how the both of you were smiling ear to ear trying to hold back that laughter filled with happiness and joy. He's an architect in the Quill Company, Greenland branch. Me? I'm just some lecturer in a torn down university. ''He's very ravishing....", that's the only thing I forced myself to say when you first introduced me to him. The priest was saying all those boring stuff. My eyes were locked onto one single thing. You. But you never caught me staring at you, not once...you never saw me, did you?

"Do you take this man as your husband?", the dude in black dress asked you. I felt like sinking my fist with utmost force into his face at that very instant. "I do!", you said. Upon hearing those words, I felt only one thing. Pain. It was excruciating. It felt like a million, if not a thousand needle like ice fragments piercing through my chest. Cold. I couldn't sense a modicum of warmth in me. The crowd cheered as the both of were in each others arm, exchanging soft kisses. There she goes... I lost you for good. At that moment, the only thing I felt was lust infused with greed. I realized I wouldn't be the one lending you a hand taking that white wedding gown off that night. It wouldn't be me who is going to unbutton your dress from the back, brushing my hands down under that white piece of satin of yours onto the back of your soft and snow white like bare skin. I felt a faint sense of shame at the thought that went in my mind then. I craved a devilish smile.

The crowd cleared out, people into the hall to get a piece of the wedding cake I guess, but not me. I was too busy watching over as you walked away with your husband wrapping his arms around your small waist. My sight was getting blurrier by the second. You're so very beautiful. It was a sin to love you. The fingers on my right hand automatically places it self over my eyes onto my forehead covering the pearl like tears that kept flowing down.".....but I loved you"

Who's the best person to get drenched in the rain with?

5.30...I woke up to 'Need you- Travis McCoy' as it was my alarm ringtone. I pulled my self up, my upper body in a sitting position with my legs still 'asleep'. I was still drowsy and it was so very tempting to lay back, curled up in my duck feathered comforter. I succumbed. Using my body weight I pushed myself back, with the idea of having my head beat into my fluffy pillow soaked in the scent of my drool. But I guess, I'm destined to be in pain. My head hit the upper frame of my bed. Hard. Pain. Excruciatingly sharp. I wasn't drowsy no more, the back of my crown was pretty numb. I made my way to the kitchen and got some water to be boiled. It's a small favor. That way my mom can make coffee straight away. She makes the best wake-up coffee. The aroma of coffee infused in milk is just so very seducing in a weird way. It makes you wanna just lock your lips onto the tip of that white mug and enjoy every single sip as it makes it way down your throat warming up your chest. Well, after the usual bath, brushing and other preparations before school, I decided to walk to school. Just had the feeling of having a brisk walk along the road where there's the musky smoke from the school bus in the air, the dew drops falling causing you to sneeze and just hoping that car with 'you' passes by.

This whole week is to be wasted on registration for co-curricular stuff, today, THURSDAY was sports. I had a little confusion. I wanted to represent my school's badminton team this year, but there's chess. I can't just walk out, not after being the Vice President. So, I ended up sticking with the nerds.....chess that is. I was pretty surprised that the amount of students who registered were more than a handful. Since when was chess popular? After two periods, studies will continue as usual. My class had Chemistry. PEKA!!! It was pretty stressful. My graph of temperature against the rate of reaction wasn't really perfect. There was nothing I could do....it's the result my group obtained and we can't change as of when we like to. Disappointed, after another experiment we went back to class. It was supervision. However, our class teacher had different plans, she got us our 'BORANG PENDAFTARAN SPM'. Smoothly and swiftly I filled up the blanks and other required details using my blue ball point Faber-Castell pen. It dawned upon me, I'm in form 5. I've got SPM. I'm gonna be 17. It's gonna be 'your' last year. I'm probably not gonna see you ever again...I wanna tell you how I feel about you but I can't. I'm not allowed to I guess. I placed both my arms on my blue desk, wrapping each other, pushing them forward, making my usual 'pillow'. I sunk my face in onto it when the bell rang. It was recess. I was famished...I grabbed my so-called California Apple and gave it a violent bite. The scent of the apple was as sweet as it tasted. I licked the juice that was dripping out from where I pierced my teeth into earlier. I got up and out to 5 Murni to see a friend.

FYI, there's this very intelligent kid in 5 Murni. She always gets first in class and in the form. I always looked up to her and thought if we were ever friend we would be talking about biology or something. Ironically, it wasn't academic stuff that got us into conversations but korean pop stars! TVXQ, JYJ and other guys who wore make up....XD. Today, was a PEKA filled day. After lazing around an extra period after recess I remembered that I was supposed to be down in the Bio Lab for an experiment. Luckily, the teacher didn't notice my late entry. Yet again, my marks weren't full. I forgot to write about the technique and lost a point. Haiz...The whole class forgot about the A4 paper for the cross-section and longitudinal-section diagrams. Everyone had to go around begging for some....my fate was similar. Finally, when everyone had it, the bell rang. Period ends, it's Add Math next. Oh GOD!!!! We were asked to hand in out PEKA before going back home, god it was a pain in the ass.

When I hoped for things to get a little bit better, it just gets worse. Homework and paperwork keeps piling up, to the already stacked up homeworks. I got really mad and decided to sleep off the last lesson. It was sejarah, nothing important....just the same old notes and stuff. For 35 minutes, I enjoyed my sleep peacefully without any interference. Then, it was time to get up and go home. It was raining. I love the rain. Always have, always will. This year my neighbor and I have been walking back home together, and we did the same this afternoon. It was really funny. I told her that I liked today rain because it smells clean. I liked it because it drops of water fell on my skin with the right amount of pressure. It wasn't irritatingly sharp or painfully heavy. It was perfect. She laughed, that's about the only thing I've ever seen her do. Then, I said,"Did you know? In Japan if it was raining, and you shared an umbrella with a guy, it will be perceived that you're in a relationship with that guy". "oh....", that's what she said. But she was a little surprised. Then I asked her do you know who's the best person to get drenched in the rain with? She just shook no. I took a deep breath and said ,'It's the person you're in love with' in a low clear and sad voice.

I would really wish to walk with you in the rain....